So... here we are, this couple where SHE has no libido, and HE is very frustrated. It almost sounds like a sit-com set up that we've all seen a million times before.
I had learned not to ask her about it too often (fortnightly was ok). But over the next couple of years, her libido fell and fell and fell, until it went == SMACK == onto rock bottom. But the gods of perverse torture were not content with giving my life partner NO libido. No, that would be too simple. Too humane. Too... manageable. So, instead they decreed that she should have LESS than no libido. Sex should, apparently, become not merely a clinical thing that one experienced dispassionately -- perhaps like taking some vitamins. Rather, it became something negative. More akin to swallowing a large dose of castor oil.
The troubling thing was that she did not know why. But she didn't like to discuss it. She said she would see the doctor about it, but she didn't. And she didn't. And she didn't. I tried to stay cool about it. Lay low. Not make a big deal of it. But I asked her one day, and she exploded at me. Said I was badgering her about it and couldn't leave it alone.
Whew!
So, I decided that I would not mention it again.
No asking if she had gone to the doctors.
No suggesting that we make love.
No double entendres.
No suggestive looks or touches.
As a lawyer might say: No hints, references, or inuendos of any kind, verbally, non-verbally, explicit or implied in any way shape or form.
Suddenly, it was like sex had fallen off the map.
I decided to give it 30 days and see what happened.
It was EX-cruciating! Every day I marked off on the calendar. Reguarly, I counted the days and weeks.
Some days -- or perhaps just parts of days -- it was easy. I didn't think about sex and the time passed quickly.
Other days... well, I didn't quite get to the stage of counting the hours, but it was pretty damn hard at times!
Sometimes I wanted so badly to cuddle her in bed. To talk about things. To ask her what was going on.
How I got through that, I will never know. But I do know that it was the right thing to do. I had been asking that question for five years, and for five years, she had no response. She had said she had wanted to change, to get her libido back, and she had said she was willing to do what it might take (e.g., go to the doctor), but somehow it just never happened. We had been down that path. I needed to try something new.
So down the lines when, crossing off day by day until I got to day 30.
But long before I got to day 30, it began to dawn on me that 30 days might just not be enough...
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I found your blog and the premise intriqued me. I haven't read your posts in depth, but I'm confident our lives have similarities. I'm 40 and have been married to a fabulous wife for 17 years. She is very attractive and we both take very good care of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteMy wife admittedly has very little libido, or at least no interest in me, although she finds me attractive and we're truly soulmates and best friends. Her libido has never been remotely as strong as mine, but it has continued to taper off to the point that I think we could go a year without sex and it would suit her just fine. There has never been anyone else in our relationship. We're a Christian couple with complete dedication to each other. Our sex life took a turn for the worse 5 years ago with the birth of our son. She prefers to sleep with our little boy and I sleep in a small bed in another room. On all other accounts, we have an almost perfect relationship.
Physically, she has fibroids that sometimes cause her pain. Deep penetration is painful so we avoid that on the rare occasions that we have sex. My wife isn't adventuresome when it comes to sex, but frankly I'd just settle for regular sex. It's nothing to go for 3, 4, or 5 months without sex. She doesn't seem to need it or want it. I resort to regular masturbation.
When I walk out the door and she knows I'm away, she masturbates with her vibrator that I bought her years ago. So there in lies the rub (pun intended). She does have a libido. She loves me and finds me attractive. But she almost never wants me, just the vibrator. Frankly, I'd settle for some mutual masturbation if she wants to go that route, but she's far too inhibited to ever let me be a part of that.
I've mostly dropped the issue of never having sex other than the occasional joke I make about it when I can't help myself.