Monday, March 9, 2009
Awhile ago I found something. Sue's vibrator. She'd bought it years ago when she was single. No big deal. And ages ago she told me how when she was looking for batteries one day, she suddenly remembered the vibrator, and took them from there. It's all good.
But then for some reason one day I was inspired to go have a look. The vibrator was gone. How odd, I thought. I later found it hidden under a stack of clothes. The box she kept it in was nearby. That was very unlike Sue. She ALWAYS puts things back in their boxes. She's really big about putting things away properly. So it was a bit weird that the vibrator was out of its box, as were a couple of it's attachments.
Maybe she was moving it and someone came in -- she was embarassed to be seen with it, so she stashed it.
But then I checked the batteries. They were back in it.
I turned it on, and it purred softly.
I felt like I had just caught her cheating on me.
Our sex life had been going downhill for years. She'd been to the doctor to have her hormones checked. We'd been to counselling with a special sex therapist. She said she was at her wit's end -- she just didn't know why her libido was so low.
And then this.
Her libido, it seems, wasn't so low at all.
It was just her libido for me that was low.
She was quite happy to f*ck a piece of plastic. She just didn't want me touching her.
The worst thing is, she had been promising and promising and promising to go to the doctor again for more tests, and to see a psychologist to try to get to the bottom of it.
The last time I asked her, she blew up at me.
That's when I decided to back off. I took my (private) vow of abstinence, and started this blog.
I never told her of my vow, and we never talked about it. She never said, "thanks for not pestering me for sex anymore," or in any way acknowledged that anything had changed. Excpet once, when she said she was feeling unwell, and I teased that perhaps she was pregnant. She replied that that wasn't possible since we weren't having sex. That was the only time there was any acknowledgment between us that things had changed.
We went from making love once ever two or so weeks to not at all in five months.
So... now I find out that she's making love to herself. To a piece of plastic. However you want to describe the situation.
What is a boy to think? Sue and I have been together for nine years, and for most of that time, she's had low libido. And the libido has gotten lower and lower and lower as time went on.
At least, the libido for me -- as I now discover.
Aside from the vibrator, there are no signs of a libido. She doesn't make salacious comments about men she sees on tv. She doesn't act in a way to make me jeallous. She doesn't flirt with men in public. So I could be forgiven for thinking that it's plain and simple low libido.
But then there's the vibrator.
Of course, I am nothing if not open minded and understanding. Maybe it was a one off. Or maybe the batteries were there because she felt a compulsive need to put them back as part of her whole tidying routine.
So then I did something that debases both her and me. I started watching the vibrator. I looked to see if she moved it. And sure enough, she did. In fact, it seemed to move regularly.
I checked again, though, and realized that when I moved the clothes, I was often moving the vibrator, too. Was it possible that it was just me moving it the whole time?
I checked in other ways. I moved the switch on it. I placed it against her clothes in a certain way. I felt like a private eye spying in someone else's house -- even though I was in my own bedroom.
It became thrilling in a way. Exciting. Finding it moved was somehow... I don't know. Titilating, in a way. But not so much that. It was more the excitement of cat and mouse. Of realising that she was up to something. And that I knew. And that I had caught her, but that she didn't know that I had. And then I realised that perhaps she did know. Perhaps she'd noticed her stuff had been moved around. Perhaps she was even leaving things in a certain way to see if I moved them. The possibility was remote... but it was possible. Perhaps she even thought that I was playing with her sex toy! Who knows?!
It was kind of exciting to think that she did have a libido -- that she was playing with herself at times.
Or was it just herself? We had played with her toy together once or twice. I found it very sexy.
Was she doing that now? Playing with this toy with someone else?
It seemed unlikely. She didn't have a lot of time unaccounted for. But then, it doesn't take much time. Once you have a f*ck buddy, you only need a few minutes for the deed itself. Something you could even do on the way to or from other errands. A quick screw on the fly. Something to squeeze in between groceries and a haircut.
Is that what Sue was doing?
If she really did have a libido, then I suppose anything was possible... Is possible.
Thinking these thoughts -- writing these words -- gets my adrenaline flowing. I don't feel angry. But, the juices are going. My hands are tingling. My heart... there are butterflies in my stomach. It's like...
gotta go. Sue's home