Friday, September 25, 2009

fake non-orgasms

So, tonight marks the 364th sex-free day.
Life has gotten comfortable.
Sue is happier, I'm happier, the kids are, mostly, happier.
For the past few weeks, life has been so busy (in a good way) that I have barely thought of my vow or this blog.
Susan continues to act as if nothing has changed between us, never acknowledging that my behavior around her has changed.
And I continue in the same vein, never explicitly suggesting that there is anything happening below the surface for me.

I am not sure what to say; or when; or how.

But I realized today that rather than her being grateful that I've done this, she may well be a bit pissed off: "You mean you DO still have a libido, and I DO still have to deal with all that male crap?"

Perhaps I've lulled her into a false sense of...? "Security" doesn't feel like the right word. I hope that her husband actually having a libido wouldn't make her feel unsafe!

I am not sure what to expect. Maybe it's easier to think of what I DON'T expect! Well... I certainly don't expect a prize, or overwhelming gratitude. (It would be nice, but somehow I doubt it's on the cards!) And I don't expect an exuberant three-day-long love making session. Again, it would be nice (albeit exhausting!), but undoubtedly not on the cards.

Maybe she'll feel the way I did when she (finally!) admitted to me that, no, she actually didn't like me touching her breasts, and never had (and presumably never would). And that, no, she didn't like kissing, and never had. And, actually, wasn't really interested in being touched much at all -- or in touching others.

I was disappointed; let down; depressed at the thought of it. It seemed that the light at the end of the tunnel that I had been looking for for years had just been not extinguished, but at least dampened down.

So maybe she will feel as if the light at the end of her tunnel has been moved further away from her as well. But I hope that she, like me, will be hopeful that somewhere in that long, dark tunnel of asexuality, we can meet in the middle.

Some women fake their orgasms to please (and hurry along!) their husbands. Husbands may find pleasure in the experience, but disappointment, even in the realization that it was all a sham. Susan may just feel the same about my faked lack of libido.

We'll soon see.


  1. Mark, I can imagine that broaching the topic is going to make waves, one way or another. I hope the resulting turbulence will be a *good* thing - for both of you - in the long run. It could be difficult in the near future. I don't have any words of wisdom, just loads of good wishes. You deserve happiness, and so does Sue.

  2. Thanks, Sungold. :) In a lot of ways it would be easy to sit back and let things carry on as they are. So, yes, turbulence of some sort is inevitable, but I'm hopeful that it will be, perhaps, like learning to drive: a bit scary, a bit out of the comfort zone, but ultimately a rewarding choice.... Not the most apt simile in the world, but it will do! :)