Tuesday, February 17, 2009

about last night...

... there is a short story and a long story to tell about last night.
I'll just tell the short one for now. 
I HATE doing the dishes. More than any other chore on god's green earth. 
But last night Sue had her class at the community college, so I looked after the kids. Which was a blast. But then I bit the bullet and did the dishes. I thought she would get a kick out of that. 
She didn't say anything, but I mentioned it, and she said thanks. 
Then at about 10:15 she was saying how I should be getting into bed. 
I told her I still had far too much work to do.
I ended up doing another two hours of work.
In the morning she was in a really good mood.

I don't know if if's because I did the dishes; or because I was so industrious last night; or for some other reason. 

Maybe she's just a moody person. 

She didn't used to be, but she changed after she had the kids. 
Perhaps I shouldn't be taking it all so personally. 

But a small part of me wonders from time to time about other explanations for low libido.

Could she be seeing someone else? 

She usually gets home from her class at just after 9:00. 
Last night she got home at 9:30.
And she was in an unusually good mood both last night and this morning. 
It reminded me of one time when we'd made love, and what a good mood I was in with her the next morning. 

I don't want to be one of those suckers who said, "I had no idea s/he was having an affair and about to leave me..." 
On the other hand, I think a rational and reasonable evaluation of the facts would suggest that she is certainly not.
And, as I discovered this morning when I toyed with the idea a bit, "down this path lays madness". It drove me nuts, just considering the possibility. I think it can be an addictive thought, because on some level the thought is exciting -- not in an enjoyable way, but in a dramatic way. It gets the blood flowing. So when my mind is empty (and tired, and bored), it's easy to get seduced by the drama of the idea. 

But what set it off more was when I tried to phone her this morning. She didn't answer the phone. She often doesn't when I call her cell. It drives me slightly nuts. She seems to try to avoid me at times. At other times, I guess I just catch her in the shower or something. 

Anyway, this morning I called her on the land line and suggested I call back on her cell (which is cheaper). She agreed, but it took awhile to get through.

"sorry," she said. "I found the phone in my car. It must have fallen out of my purse last night."

Which is fine. 

But she didn't take her purse with her to her class last night.

Which is fine. 

But I don't think she would go to her class without her cell phone. I think she's quite conscious of the whole "woman on her own" thing, and not being in a parking lot late at night without a phone. 

So maybe it was just a slip of the tongue. Or maybe she had gone (as she thought) without her phone. 

The hard bit is, she doesn't like to talk to me about our relationship. 
So I can't just say, "I'm feeling a bit insecure because you're not sleeping with me, so I need you to be a bit more clear about what's going on for you." 

All she says to me is that she has no idea why she has no libido. 

I don't want her to feel watched, or scrutinised or the least bit suspected. Because my head knows there is nothing to be suspicious of. 

But when she comes home half an hour later than usual from class, and says her phone fell out of her purse, and then is in an unusually good mood... 

The direction that those facts point might soon be forgotten. But it's a bit harder to forget when I am still living in a way I was not designed to live: namely, I am a healthy young-ish man with a normal libido, sleeping every night next to a woman I love, and yet I am celibate. 

So my libido, if nothing else, means that these issues keep coming to mind. Even when, really, they were best discarded. 

Earlier the same day, I came home unexpectedly. 
A nice, new looking car was parked in front of our house. I came in. The groceries were on the floor. 
I walked upstairs. 
Sue was in bed. 
She pulled the covers up over herself and said I had woken her up.
She said she had a migraine. 
She often has migraines, and when she does, bed rest is a main remedy.
Still, the suspicious part of my mind wondered at finding her in bed in the middle of the day, pulling the sheets up to her chin, with a funny car outside. 
Not long after, the car was gone. 

99.9999% it is all coincidence. Random happenings that the "what if" part of my brain can not soon enough let go of. 

If only she would talk to me about these things -- about us, about her, about everything that is going on. About the elephant in the room.

I know that the only answer for me, though, must be to be happy and content within myself. Self confident. Outwardly directed. Active. Positive. (This is starting to sound like trainspotting: "choose life, choose a career...")

What will happen when my year is over. 
Will I say, "sayonara, my friend. I've waited long enough."

I think I can't just sit here waiting for another 7 months.

I don't want to break my vow -- though it's hard at times. At times, almost impossible. But so far, so good.

We talked once, though, of doing a massage class together. My idea, of course. But she agreed. 

If she's got some sort of hang up about touching -- something from her past that is not allowing her to be intimate -- something a bit phobia-esque, perhaps, then maybe a class like this would be a good way to go.
It would be non-sexual; it would be public; we would take turns; and it would mean that once a week for 6 or 8 weeks we would actually be going out together, which would be great.

Maybe if she could get used to something as simple as touching and being touched, it would unblock her emotions a bit more, as well as her comfort with her body and her sexuality. 

UH-oh! I'm not trying to change another person, am I?!? 

I can only change me. And I can only change by being the best person I can be --for myself, for my children, for Sue, for my parents, and for my career.

Gosh, it all sounds so motherhood and apple pie, boyscout wholesome, doesn't it? 
But what other choice do I have? 

No comments:

Post a Comment