Saturday, February 14, 2009

I found two other blogs by people with similar resolves -- one man and one woman. Both were started a couple of years ago and, like so many blogs, had only one or two entries and that was it. 

What ever happened to them? Did they fall off the Wagon of Chastity? Or did the adjustment no longer seem like such a big deal that they needed to talk about it with perfect strangers?

As for me and Sue, we are still on the Wagon. At least, I am. And I'm sure she is too. 99.999% sure. Though one always has that thought in the back of one's mind. The thought that it's just possible that there is some perfectly rational reason for her COMPLETE lack of libido. Something like: someone else. 

I have to be careful to not lend my mind to such thoughts. Because I know (for various reasons) that they are not true. So to entertain them would be to torture myself for no reason. 

Today is valentine's day. 

She was in a good mood today. And, as it's been almost five months of no nookie, I thought today might be the day. 

But no. She watched a movie on tv, brushed her teeth, read a book for five minutes, and went to sleep. 

No hint of Nookie -- or any form of romantic interest. 

I touched her once or twice today. Hugged her once, rubbed her stomach once. That's more intimacy that we usually show in a day. Or even a week. She reciprocated in a "trying not to be rude" kind of way. But it was clear that she took no pleasure in being touched, and had no interest in it. 

I read earlier today that people don't get happier when they get richer because they so quickly adjust to their new lifestyle. 

And perhaps so it is with me. I've adjusted -- to an extent -- to life without sex. Five months on and I am long since not crossing off the days. Now I am counting in months, not weeks. I don't even know when the milestone of my original goal (99 days) was met. I didn't even notice. 

But what will happen at the end of a year?

I have visions of myself saying, "ok, I've waited a year. You've shown no interest at all. bye. have a good life."

A terribly immature thought, but in my imagination it brings back some . . . sense of control over my life. Some sense of self respect. A sense of power. 

I guess in a way, this year is about me giving up all sexual power. I am not having sex. I am not initiating sex. I am not asking for it directly, or even by hint. Can anything strip away more power than that? 
For a year, I am putting my sexual life entirely - _entirely_ in her hands. 
And for almost five months now: nothing. No kisses. No cuddles. No holding. And most certainly no sex. 

And the funny thing is, I don't even mind it so much any more. 
But I know I would be happier with it as part of our lives. 

My greatest worry is what happened to a friend of mine about 10 years ago.

She lost all of her libido. She had no interest in sex whatsoever. Her husband was very patient. They had no sex for days; for weeks; for months; for a year. It drove him a bit batty, I think. But he was willing to be patient. He was willing to wait for her. The one thing he could not tolerate was the thought that she would sleep with another man. 
Well, after about a year, she finally did. She had an affair with another guy, but still had no interest in sleeping with her husband. 
Why? I am not sure if even she knows. 
But the relationship with her husband was over, and she eventually used the affair (which had long since ended) as leverage to get out of the marriage. 

Will the same thing happen with Sue and me? 
I don't know. 
She doesn't like to talk about our relationship. 
She doesn't like to talk about personal stuff much at all. 
So I am left not just sexually frustrated, but a bit lonely as well. 
She is a great life companion in many ways, and we spend some very comfortable time together watching tv most nights. But I guess that is about the extent of our intimacy.

Is that as good as it gets? Is this what marriage is all about? 

Sue and I have been together for 8 1/2 years now. 

Is it all hum-drum from here on in?

No talking, no sex, no going out. Just tv. 
What a life. 
What a !@#$-ing life. 

Still, at least we're not starving. We're healthy. We aren't threatened by war. 

Who am I to complain? 

Well. No sex on Christmas (she had a migraine). 
No sex on my birthday three weeks later (another migraine). 
And no sex on valentine's day -- she was tired and just went to bed.

I guess the big questions in my mind are:
1) Am I making -WAY- too big a deal about this by thinking about it and writing about it, thereby making it worse for myself? 
2) If my concerns aren't unreasonable... how long do I wait? And then what do I do next? I really don't want to split up. We have two small children, and a nice middle class lifestyle. I don't want to turn my back on all the comfort in our lives. Because I would be turning away from her and towards... what? The urban gritty realism of the singles scene. Loneliness. Insecurity. The possibility of not finding anyone? Or of it not working out again after another 8 1/2 years? Of growing old and dying alone? 

I guess I know I would find someone else if things didn't work out between me and Sue. 
But... it's a big leap.
But... I'm not getting any younger. If I'm going to make that leap and have a second start, I should do it sooner rather than later.
But... isn't this what commitment is all about? Sticking it out through thick and thin? Through the ups and the downs? Through, even, perhaps periods of low libido, of a few months of no sex, of perhaps a bit less communication that I might like. Hey! What the hell am I complaining about?!? People endure physical and sexual and verbal abuse and all sorts. And I'm whining because I'm feeling a bit under-fulfilled in our relationship?
Get off the grass! 
Get a life! 

But then, how many states is it that allowed "impotence" as a grounds of divorce, even back in the 1800s?
I wonder if "frigidity" is grounds as well. 

And the biggest annoyance for me is not her lack of interest -- that happens to a lot of women; to a lot of couples. 
No, the biggest problem is her lack of interest in doing anything about it. 
No interest in seeing the doctor, no interest in processing what's going on with her with a psychologist. 
She says she will. But then she simply doesn't. And when I last tried to push her on it -- to pin her down about going to the doctor like she said she would -- is when she got all anti. 
And  that is what lead to my vow of abstinence. 

Watch this space...

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