Saturday, October 24, 2009
making love or having sex?
I could had sex tonight. It wouldn't have been that hard to nudge Sue along in that direction. Nudge her just over the edge on which she seems to be sitting.
I decided not to.
Puritanical self denial? Obsessive compulsive determination? A loss of my own libido?
The real reason is, I don't want to go back to the chaser/chasee cycle that Sue and I were in for the year or two (or more) before I took my private vow.
After all this time, I could get her into bed, and she would be wanting to go there to please me, to move on, to move this all forward.
But she wouldn't want to be going there for herself. It would be starting off on the wrong foot; taking a step in the wrong direction.
Making love to a woman who isn't REALLY there -- who doesn't REALLY want to be with you, who is not sharing the experience with you -- that's not making love. That's not even having sex. It's masturbating into someone's vagina.
Sue and I had the BIG talk (though with much yet to say) a week or two ago.
Things are changing for the better. Glacially slow, but changing nonetheless.
Until then, I want to wait until she is ready to make love to me. Knowing that I could persuade her to have sex just isn't good enough.